Why am i so stupid?

Date: 4th December 2008

I am really feeling very upset today. By right, I should be feeling happy coz hubby come back from England thou he just left on 2nd December.

How I wish I could kept lying to myself that he care for me, love me or the family, how I wish all this will become true but I know it’s impossible.

In fact why am I so sad…. The reason is just so simple. Hubby touch down Singapore at about 7 plus but reach home only at 11 plus. At first I thought he is discussing work with Ah Seng and boss coz they were send back from London due to insufficient document. However, I am really very naïve or should I say I am just plain stupid. He was out drinking with his friend and the fact is that he didn’t even come home to put his luggage and not to mention to look at his kids.

All these were told by the person he care most other than he himself and that is Joan. I am already upset when Joan was the 1st person he called when he reach Singapore. Why didn’t he call his wife 1st? Why is Joan always the 1st person in his mind? I really don’t understand why to him I am always nothing.

When he reach home yesterday, I know that he went drinking but the very stupid me thought he was discussing work mah so no much feeling since I expect he will drink abit but never did I expect that he went to Lor 31 to drink and not with his boss but with Joan, Ah Seng and Ah Kim till 11 plus. I tried calling him at 10 plus but he didn’t want to pick up. This actually makes me sadder. All he wants is to see her and not us. In his heart, I always mean nothing to him.. Always.

Joan even told me that, he actually wanted to go out again but I think Joan ask him to rest so he listen to her. Anything that Joan say, he listen, anything that Joan wanted him to do he do but not to his wife. I feel funny sometime, am I his wife or Joan. I really hate him when he treated me this way. I really feel so painful but who can I say all these to?

I don’t understand why till now I still cannot give up on him? Why must I make my life so miserable? I really hate him, really regretted so much to married him. Why when everyone tells me he is not a good man, don’t married him, why didn’t I listen? I have so much why in my heart but no one can answer me.

I know I should not keep asking why, I know the best thing is to leave him and start a new life with my kids but I am scare or just don’t want to do it. I don’t if its because I scare people will look down on me or scare that I am not that capable to raise my kids but I am being mentally torture.

In fact people will ask me why you want to be with him when both of you having no communication, no sex, no common interest. We don’t even have that kind of touch or kiss that even a dating couple have. I feel funny when I wanted to try my best to please him but I know he was never satisfied. He complaints to people I am lazy, say that I don’t allow his parents to look after our children. He is just not satisfied with me at all.

To be honest, now he is at home most of the time not because he wanted to stay and accompany us more, it is just that he don’t have money for him to go clubbing. Even when he is home, we dun talk. I really dun understand why I am hanging on to this relationship when people are asking me to give up. Non of my friends or family members support me to continue this marriage only I myself trying very hard to tell lies or suppress my feeling to hang on this marriage.

I am tired, really tired. I dun know how to face a man like him… he gamble, drink, smoke and go prostitutes and here I am lying everyday that he loves me.

I am hoping for new love everyday whenever I feel sad but I know myself too well… I tend to forgive him very fast and that is also why I can tolerate his nonsense for 4 yrs.

Hopfully i will be happier when i am home to see my 2 kids....